Breast vs Bottle; the age old debate

Breast is better. Obviously. The End.

Unfortunately it is not that simple. Yes, health wise Breast is better. That is what it is there for. That is what is 100% made especially for baby to give it everything it needs. But if it was as straightforward as that then there would never be a debate would there, and yet it continues to be one of the biggest debates ever to be debated!

Brand newborn baby Boo

Boo was both Breast-fed and Bottle-fed. I wanted to combi-feed from the very beginning, but not to the extent that it became. My ideal would have been to Breast-feed her through the day and night, but give her one bottle of formula before bed to help her sleep. I was Bottle-fed myself, and slept through the night at 2 weeks, so thought the formula at bed time would help Boo do the same. 

As it turned out I had a really hard time getting Boo to Breast-feed. It still amazes me to think that of all the Doctors, Midwives, Nurses, Health-Visitors, NCT specialists etc. I saw, they all omitted the simplest, yet most important piece of information about Breast-feeding; 
you need to hear your baby swallowing when they're feeding, otherwise they are just sucking, not feeding.
Nobody told me this until day 3 of Boo's life, when she was admitted back into hospital due to losing too much of her birth weight. 

The Health Visitor who admitted us was lovely and was the one who let the cat out of the bag about the whole swallowing thing- who knew?! Not me clearly! I know it sounds obvious but as a new Mother with no clue, having been told at the hospital after birth that Boo was feeding brilliantly (when she was actually not latched on properly and was hardly getting anything) I thought she was feeding fine! 

I was so overwhelmed and upset when we had to go back in, it sounds dramatic now but it was the worst day/night of my life by a long way. We had a house full of friends and family come to meet Boo for the first time, and I wished they would all just disappear. I felt I had failed Boo and was really very scared about what was wrong with her. She was jaundice too. 

The H.V reassured me and said they would keep us overnight but would just get us to top up her feeds with formula. I was fine with this as I was planning on doing some bottle feeding eventually anyway.
We got admitted to A&E paeds. They watched Boo feed. They took blood from her heels (which made her scream her tiny 3 day old head off). They said they wouldn't give her top ups, but would see how she did overnight. They said that as she was only 3 days old they (and I quote) "wouldn't want her to get used to a bottle", so they would consider putting a tube into her stomach to feed her if she hadn't gained weight overnight. 

Now I know that 'Breast is best' but I'm sorry that is insanity! I was completely horrified! AS IF I would rather them put a tube into my baby's tiny newborn stomach instead of giving her a damn bottle! At that point I couldn't have cared less if Boo had become reliant on a bottle and never breastfed again; as long as she put on weight, surely that is what mattered?!? 

Can I also just point out that Boo weighed 9lbs when she was born, and had dropped to 7lbs something, so it's not as if she was wasting away! She had plenty of meat on her to start with! When we later told our H.V about this she was super shocked and very apologetic.

So anyway, we stayed overnight in a tiny, boiling hot room in the children's ward and I basically fed Boo constantly. It was awful. I pretty much cried non stop. There was only a massive, prison like cot, a tiny fold away camp bed, and a chair in the room so Daddy Bear and I had to take turns in the bed. 

Only to have her weighed the next morning and be told that she had lost more weight. We were sent up to the Breast feeding clinic where there were 2 ladies on hand to help with latch and advice. They were both busy with other Mummies when we arrived. 1 lady was nice, and 1 lady was not. I got the not nice one, typical! She was really brusque and unfriendly; which is so not what I needed at that moment. She advised to give a top up after every feed until Boo was gaining weight, and to try and express the same amount as the top up while Daddy Bear was feeding it to her.

Boo passed out after her first top up

We went back to our hospital room and gave her a feed and top up. She had not slept for more than 20 minutes the night before and as soon as she had finished her top up, she passed out; finally full and contented enough to give in to her exhaustion. This made me feel even worse. My poor little hungry, exhausted Boo. I tried to express the same amount as she had in top up, but I got nothing, nadda, not one single drop! No wonder she was so hungry poor lamb.
The Doctor came round and told us that as she had not gained weight since her admittance that we were to stay another night. There was no way I could even contemplate that and I knew it would be detrimental for all 3 of us to stay so I refused and discharged Boo, with the agreement that we would return in the morning to have her weighed again.
I was so relieved when we finally got home. We set up my breast-pump and I gave expressing another go whilst she was having her top up, but got very little; certainly not enough to match what she was having in formula. But at least my little Boo was full and happy. 
We went back the next morning and, hallelujah, she had gained weight! and got formally discharged from the hospital. Our ordeal was not over though. I chained myself to my pump whenever I got the chance. I tried changing my diet, taking supplements to improve my milk supply, but nothing worked- I simply couldn't produce enough milk for her. I was racked with guilt; I could not do the most natural thing, the best thing, for my baby. I remember going to buy a box of formula and sobbing all the way there. The way Breast-feeding is publicised and heralded as the only thing a good mother would do for their child, makes anyone who genuinely can't do it feel like total and utter shit.
The whole thing really tainted my time with baby Boo. I was obsessed with her feeding. And if she ever went off her weight line in her precious red book, I freaked out and it set me back again. I don't think I suffered from PND but it definitely gave me extended, severe baby blues.
Was that really what was best for my baby???

As I said earlier, I was Bottle-fed. My Mum had a terrible, painful time trying to Breast-feed my older sister and gave up after a couple of unsuccessful weeks of trying. She says that my Dad went out and bought her a box of formula and said "there, give her that love." She said it was the best gift she has ever received. She remembers waking up that night to feed her and leaping out of bed with relief and happiness that she could feed her baby with pleasure instead of pain and anxiety.
When I came along, she tried for a week and then switched to Bottle. We were both happy, contented, easy, healthy babies who slept through the night. My Mum speaks of our early years with delight and says how calm she was as a new mother and how she can hand on heart say she enjoyed every moment. 

I stuck to Breast-feeding Boo as much as I could, and expressing after every feed, for 10 months. And I can hand on heart say that I did not enjoy every moment and still wince at a lot of the memories. In fact, whilst writing this Boo woke up from her nap, saw that the computer was on and demanded to watch baby videos of herself (she's so modest!) I played her some newborn ones, and most of them actually make my stomach turn because they take me back to how awful I felt. Now Boo is 2 I feel so much more in control, and I feel, no, I know I am a good Mother. When I started writing this post I was in such a good mood after a fab morning out with my gorgeous Hubby and Boo, but within minutes of dredging up old memories I was back to feeling like the inadequate Mother I felt then.

An old colleague of mine has recently had a baby and I saw her a few weeks ago. She. Is. Tiny. She was born on her due date at 7 ish lbs but she looks like a prem baby. She has struggled with feeding in the same way that Boo did, yet was not admitted back into hospital. The advice the Mum had been given was to top up with formula for 2 feeds, but the way this advice was given was in a bolshy, "look at this tiny baby why haven't you been giving her top ups already?!" kind of way. I mean, come on! We can't bloody win! previous to that advice, she had just been told to keep going with the Breast-feeding until it got established. No wonder we feel bloody inadequate! The poor Mum had been through the mill with a scary labour and now all this was put upon her. She looked exhausted as the baby fed from her the whole time I was there, and was not even satisfied after her top ups. The baby is doing well now with 2 top ups a day, and has gone passed her birth weight, but is still not gaining very fast. The poor Mum is just living to feed her. She doesn't want to give up and give her more formula, even though that's what her H.V has advised. She has had "Breast is Best" rammed down her throat so much that she already feels like a failure for giving her even a bit of formula!
Again, is this really what's best for baby??? 

And what about what's best for Mum??? Or do we not matter a jot now we've had a baby? Is it really best to have a Mum stressed out about trying to Breast-feed as much as she can, even if it's not enough, or is it more beneficial to baby and Mum to accept that you've tried, but you just can't do it and 'give in' to Bottle-feeding, eliminating the stress you put yourself under to Breast-feed? 

Professionals make Breast-feeding sound like the be-all-and-end-all of good Mothering, and they ALWAYS make it sound like it's a choice, and that you should choose to Breast-feed because it's best for your baby. Wouldn't it be great if it was that easy! Out of my NCT group of 8 babies, only 3 of them were exclusively Breast-fed, 4 were Combi-fed (none through choice) and 1 was exclusively Bottle-fed after a week of Breast-feeding (due to medical reasons). So it's obviously not that bloody easy! And it's obviously very common that women have problems with it. If you can't do it, then you can't bloody do it! It's not a choice!
One of the Combi-feeding Mothers has just had another baby, and has had the same problems feeding him as she did with her first. She, like me, tied herself to her Breast-pump for her first. But speaking to her this time she said she's happy she's tried and she's disappointed that it hasn't worked again, but that she's not going to put herself through all that again; not with a toddler to think about as well this time. She said that the first day she used formula all day, her hubby came home and said that it was like coming home to a different woman. She was happy, she'd had an enjoyable day with her 2 boys, she wasn't stressed and her baby was full and content. Now what is so wrong with that??? Wouldn't it actually be worse for the baby and his big brother, and the Mum, if she had carried on like last time desperate to get any Breast milk she could into the baby???

My little panda at 4 weeks old

I often wonder what I will do if I struggle to feed my next baby. I used to think that I would do the same as I did with Boo; try by any means to milk the hell out of myself and give her formula. I don't think I will now though. Having really thought about the whole picture and not just about what the baby is eating, I think I will, of course, try my best to breast feed, but if it doesn't work out, I will Combi-feed again but I won't be locking myself up in my milking shed next time. Other things, I believe, are more important, like bonding with your newborn (yes, it is possible to bond with your baby in other ways other than Breast-feeding!), and creating happy memories that I look back on with a full heart, not a sad broken one. 
I tried my best with Boo, and it still wasn't enough, and I still feel horrible and guilty about it; so what was the point in putting myself, and Boo, and my husband, and my family, through all that??? 

I read somewhere the other day that most Mum's don't enjoy the first 6 months of their baby's lives. How sad is that? It's certainly true of me. It's certainly not true of my Mum.

So what's better Breast or Bottle???

Breast if it works, Bottle if it doesn't. Simple.

Now please stop making us feel guilty for not having a choice.


Thank you for reading, this was really very difficult for me to write.

Mummy Bear X